Body language accounts for a large proportion of the message that we communicate to people. On a subconscious level, you can signal to people whether you’re shy, confident, insecure or cocky. It’s totally possible to take control of your body language, and with a little work, you can even use it to make yourself more attractive to romantic partners.
Why Body Language Matters
Body language works on a subconscious level, so people react to it before they’ve even processed what you’re saying. Studies on speed dating have shown that the right amount of eye contact can increase perceived attractiveness, especially when paired with a smile and open posture. Don’t worry, there’s more coming on “the right amount” of eye contact shortly.
This doesn’t mean posture and eye contact do all the work. But it means that first impressions are formed quickly, often before you’ve even opened your mouth, and non-verbal cues make a difference whether you mean them to or not.
Attraction seems to build through coordination and synchronisation as much as display itself. In dating research, people showed more interest when their body sway patterns aligned with their date, and later work linked physiological synchronicity during dates with higher attraction.
Start by Slowing Down
When we’re nervous, everything tends to speed up. You answer questions too quickly, glance around the room, adjust your clothes and anxiously tap your fingers or feet. Combine two or three of these behaviours in quick succession, and you’re sending an undeniable message of nervousness. Before you know it, you’re heading into the cycle of being nervous, noticing the nervous behaviour, getting more nervous now that you’ve noticed it, rinse and repeat. Nightmare.
There’s an easy fix, though. Intentionally slow yourself down. Make your movements just a little bit more deliberate, pause for a moment before answering, and try to take your time. It takes a little practice and willpower, but taking away the frantic edge that comes from trying to prove yourself makes a huge difference.
Having a way of tapping back in helps. If you feel yourself starting to rush, drop and relax your shoulders, take a couple of good deep breaths and give your next response just half a second breathing space.
Good Posture Without Feeling Stiff
Attractive posture isn’t about puffing your chest out and walking like you’re carrying something under each arm; that always looks forced. It’s more about showing people around that you’re comfortable taking up the right amount of space. An anxious posture is usually about making yourself as small as possible (arms crossed, head down, slouched), and what we want is to find that natural middle ground.
Relax your shoulders, open your chest and hold your head level. One useful technique is to imagine a piece of thread running from the top of your head, all the way down your spine. When you notice that you’re making yourself smaller, imagine that thread is pulled up just enough to go taut.
On a date, angle your body towards the person you’re speaking to. This is a small thing, but it makes the interaction feel warmer. If your chest, knees and face are all pointing away, you can accidentally look like you’re halfway out of the conversation.
Getting Eye Contact Right
Eye contact is genuinely one of the more difficult parts about fixing nervous body language because it feels so exposing. Too little and you look distracted or unsure; too much and you come across as intense. Eye contact can be soft or hard, and you can’t see yourself, so you’ve just got to “feel” it, and what if you’re “feeling” it wrong?
The “right” kind of eye contact isn’t about a specific duration, so try not to overthink it. Look at her when she’s speaking, hold her gaze when you’re making a point, then break naturally when you take a moment to think, laugh, sip your drink or look around the room. Remember that your facial expression matters too. Aim for soft but emotive expressions so she knows you’re engaged and interested without it getting too intense.
If you really struggle with eye contact in general, then it’s something you need to work on. Start with close friends and family or even characters on TV and practise holding eye contact for longer than is comfortable. Sometimes it’s a skill you need to build up over time.
Take Some Pressure off Yourself
With all this to think about and put into practice, it’s easy to put yourself under a lot of pressure to get it right. This can be counterproductive, though, because pressure can make us even more nervous than we were before. We also put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make sure that we’re liked, which makes sense, but when you’re dating, you’re trying to figure out whether you like each other, not to make someone like you.
Think of it this way. If you were on a date with an elite London escort, you’d be nervous, sure, but would you put as much pressure on convincing them to like you? Probably not. That’s something to take into your dates. Stop looking at it as your one and only shot that you have to get right, and you have to persuade her to like you. Instead, just focus on getting to know each other and feeling out whether you’re compatible, while you work on the body language techniques we’ve spoken about here today.
