Talking about sexual fantasies can feel unnecessarily awkward. Maybe you’re into something unconventional, or you’ve always wanted to try something out, but you don’t want to be judged or come across as pushy. What if they’re not into it? What if they think it’s weird? If you voice it in a way that makes it feel like an HR meeting by candlelight?
These are normal concerns, and most of them are actually quite easy to deal with, but we’re never really taught how to communicate our fantasies without shame. So, most people either say nothing and hope their partner somehow reads their mind or they blurt it out at the wrong moment and extinguish the mood.
The good news is that sexual communication doesn’t need to sound clinical to be clear, and your partner is probably dealing with the same thoughts and questions. So, let’s learn how to talk about what you want in bed without killing the mood.
Why Does Talking About Fantasies Feel Awkward?
Awkwardness in this context tends to come from one of two places: timing or ego. We often treat sexual communication as a pass-fail test of confidence. If she responds positively, you feel bold and desirable; if she doesn’t, you feel exposed and vulnerable. This kind of pressure makes people act too cautiously or too abruptly.
We also tend to handle these conversations in one big, brave moment, when in reality, you’re probably better off breaking them down into smaller steps. Think of the conversation more as opening a door than trying to kick it off its hinges.
When Should You Talk About It?
Springing a new fantasy onto your partner in the middle of a passionate exchange can be jarring and puts a lot of pressure on them. These kinds of conversations usually go better in a more casual setting.
Say you’re dating someone and you’re curious about trying something new. Bringing it up over a drink, in bed after sex, or during a flirty conversation gives both of you space to respond like adults. Dropping it in as a surprise instruction mid-flow can put the other person in an awkward position, especially if they feel they have to answer quickly to keep the mood from falling apart.
Why it’s Important to be Specific and Concise
A 20-minute monologue about the origins of your (honestly, not even that embarrassing) foot fetish can make it weirder than it is. Your partner doesn’t need all the psychology behind it, and you don’t actually need to justify yourself. Not only that, but talking about your fantasies with confidence normalises it for both parties and even opens the door for them to talk about theirs without shame.
It’s also easy to think that you need to word everything exactly right and make it seductive or charming in some way. Good, realistic communication around sex is usually simple, slightly tentative and aware of the shared experience. “I’m not sure how to phrase this, but I want to tell you because I trust you” sounds far better than someone trying to be slick.
Let the Professionals Show You How it’s done.
We were wondering who the best sexual communicators out there are, and the kind you’d expect, like therapists and sex educators, obviously came up. Then we realised that probably the best people to learn from are professional companions, escorts and sex workers.
So, we actually went out and asked one. We spoke to Yasmin, one of many Manchester escorts who have made dating their profession.
She told us: “I meet men with all kinds of fantasies, some of them are super tame and others are a bit more… exciting. I think sometimes they forget that I have kinks too, so even if I’m not into the same things as them, I’m not going to judge because how could I? I think people talk about their fantasies more than they used to, but there’s still a lot of work to do to destigmatise sex, especially in the UK, where we can be kind of closed off about it all. The best advice I can give is to remember that kinks are normal and we all have them, and when you bring it up, make sure it’s a conversation, not an ultimatum.”
That’s a really important point too. The conversation should always be “I’m into X. What do you think/would you be open to that?” not “I need you to do X”. If your kink is really important to you, it’s fine for that to be a factor in whether you continue seeing someone, but it’s not fine to put pressure on someone to do something they’re not into just because you are.
What do you think? Have you ever had a perfect or even a painful conversation about fantasies? Let us know below.
